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DOC #001 — SOURCE: BLOG POST LEFT IN DRAFT
💣BOMBSHELL💣: Jaidyn DID make the quiz for all team. We have the receipts. We have the quiz. We ARE the quiz. CONFIRMED
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DOC #002 — SOURCE: ANONYMOUS (IT WAS BRADY)
Scott Jackson's brother is Scott Baio. The government has known since 1987. Charles was, in fact, in charge. EXPLOSIVE
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DOC #003 - SOURCE: A FRIEND'S DAD (STILL SUSPICIOUS)
1999: Jared is falsely accused of haybale arson. 2026: Jared publicly opposes every burn at the North Ogden Green Waste Facility. Investigators believe he made a vow that day: "If I can't burn a haybale, NOBODY burns ANYTHING." LONG GAME
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DOC #004 — SOURCE: A SECOND GUY
Bart has responded to every email in under 4 minutes since 1994. Researchers have been unable to catch him sleeping. Is Bart three raccoons in a suit? Hover to decide for yourself. UPDATE: enhanced photo analysis has detected a secret ponytail. It is unclear which raccoon it belongs to. UNCONFIRMED
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DOC #005 — SOURCE: SOIL SAMPLE ANALYSIS
Brady's so-called "love of gardening" is a HOAX. Forensic botanists found his cacti are plastic, his compost is store-bought dirt, and the zucchini he "grew" still has a Smith's sticker on it. Wake up, people. BUSTED
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DOC #006 — SOURCE: A TERRIFIED JUNIOR DEV
Sources confirm Aaron once said "ship it" before the code was written. The code, sensing pressure, wrote itself. QA still refuses to speak of what shipped that day, claims "it is still in review." SHIPPED
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DOC #007 — SOURCE: BIRTH RECORDS DIVISION
"Beans" appears on no birth certificate in any of the 50 states. Beans has always been here. Beans will always be here. Do not ask Beans about the beans. ETERNAL
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DOC #008 — SOURCE: MONITOR FORENSICS LAB
Bailey's second monitor has displayed only Slack since 2019. Experts warn the monitor may now be self-aware and posting in #allteam. Researchers have traced the signal to and unknown timezone in the Midwest.DEVELOPING
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DOC #009 — SOURCE: TURING TEST RESULTS DIVISION
"Colton" has resolved 100% of tickets without ever sighing, complaining, or taking a lunch. No human can do this. Sources confirm COLTRON is a machine sent from the future to reset your password. Ask him to say "I am not a robot." He can't. BEEP BOOP
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DOC #010 — SOURCE: [REDACTED]
The list of people who failed cyber security training was going to be published RIGHT HERE. Then somebody clicked a link in an email to check if it was real. The list is gone now. You know what you did. IRONIC
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